I’m never going back!

“It is in the nature of things that joy arises, in a person free from remorse.” ~ The Buddha


I left jail last week.  I entered into a year long program for rehabilitation that I never thought I’d look forward to!  I’m never going back.

I’m happy.  I haven’t been able to say that for years.  I’m not afraid…that too has not been something I could say.  I’m completely living in this day.  Wow!

Before I left, I got some more books that my mom sent to me.  She knows me. She knows what interests me even when I don’t.  I haven’t  read a book in years and now it feels like my brain is a sponge.  All I want to do is read.  Hold that book in my hands and turn the pages…always wanting more. I hope this feeling never goes away.

I wrote to her and told her I think its the bond we share.  I know it is.  When I was young my mother was gentle and kind in her teaching of me.  I can see the perfect, beautiful picture of life she painted  and I see where I belong in it. Through her loving eyes she taught me a perception of how life should be, not how it was.  I am looking forward to exploring this life with her.  I think my heart is like hers, which makes it a great heart.  No one will ever understand unless you truly know her. She is a worthy role model.

I’ve now settled in to my life here in residential rehab.  After 30 days I can write again and keep these posts going, but it will be some time before I can get on here and write directly myself.  For now, I will just keep sending them in for my mom to post. I got one phone call and one letter….the rest of the 30 days will be focused on acclimating myself.  I truly feel like I am in the right place and where I should be in my life. I know addicts say all the time, “I’m never going back”, but I’m not.  Not only not going back to jail, but any type of life that resembles the one I’ve been living.  I may stumble, but I’m not going back! Stay tuned!


** As her mom, reading her posts and posting them here and on her facebook, it’s a surreal feeling.  Because of the past, my nerves are a little worn and when I read the nice things shes says about me or the direction she is headed….I have to wonder.  A little part of me still doesn’t know…still doesn’t trust completely (that’s all part of being an Addict’s mom).  But as I told her in my last letter; “I’m working on that!”  I have faith in her and I hold hope (as always) close to my heart.  We have a long road ahead of us, but we are the very essence of what a family should be and together, we will do this.


4 thoughts on “I’m never going back!

  1. Progress is the best route to take. Keep working hard at it, and keep reminding yourself that you are who you are and because you know that you know what you can and can’t do. Keep struggling, because the struggle reminds you that you are a live.

    To mom: It’s just me, but I think it’s okay to accept what is. Sometimes a tiger is a tiger and expecting something different means you’re pretending a tiger isn’t a tiger, ya know?


    1. Thank you! And yes, a Tiger is sometimes just a tiger….and unfortunately its sometimes a hyena disguised as a tiger, especially when dealing with someone who has a substance use disorder. So, that is my struggle. But, thank you for reminding me……I’m working on it!


      1. I’ve always lived off the idea that it’s important to forgive, but there is nothing that says you have to forget.
        Boundaries are important at times – even with those we love.


  2. As she fights her fight–we must appreciate how beautifully she writes,

    and the beginnings of a brilliant girl are showing through–I’ll keep praying for you all–and your wonderful family–Believe me–You are giving ME strength!


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