It’s been awhile…



72-methods-in-finding-your-purpose-in-life-2It’s been awhile since I’ve written anything to be posted for my blog.  Most of the letters I’ve sent home have been more personal conversations I think me and my mom needed to have. I know the phone conversations have been.  I think we are learning to know each other all over again.  I feel like I’ve changed a lot, but mostly, mom has changed.  It’s good. I would never say any of this was her fault for getting sick (well not at least while I’m sober or when not trying to make her feel guilty) but when she got sick, the mom I had growing up had disappeared. Sure, she was helping anyone who needed her, but she wasn’t doing anything to help her self. Taking care of herself was not a priority as it had always been and she didn’t see it, or at least I didn’t think she did. Its not the reason I started using or went down this path, but it was hard to watch.  In a way it gave me a green light, because I felt no one was paying attention and I could basically get away with whatever I wanted.  Running away instead of facing or understanding what she was going through or any of the things our family faced afterward, was easy and so I did just that.

I only see my mom every two weeks in court. She did come two weekends ago and visit me here with my dad.  That was great.  But just seeing her as much as I have I see that fire in her again. I see the physical change in her with each bit of exercise and training.  I know she wants it and I know its not easy for her given all the physical problems she now has after treatment. She’s doing it anyway.  She is fighting past the pain and pushing through her own fear and anxiety.  It makes me want to do the same. We have plans.  My mom knows that even after a year in rehab I will still have a long way to go and I truly believe this is one of her main motivations.  To keep me going and to get me to a place I can stand on my own to feet.

While she’s doing that out there, I’ll be doing much of the same from inside treatment.  I’m actually looking forward to being in this program….living with other women and learning new ideas.  I wouldn’t used to be able to focus that far ahead, but counseling and this program inside is helping me to find enough understanding of myself to focus, again.  Not to mention the knew medications I’m on.  You never know how badly you’ve truly screwed up your brain with drugs until something like medication to balance everything out again, shows you.  Its possible and I’m hoping that I won’t always be on all the medication I am now, once my brain rewires itself and starts to produce some of the chemicals I’ve stopped it from producing.  But, if its a life thing, that’s ok because I feel better.  Some mornings I feel so good I wonder how I could have missed out on this for so long.

Both of my parents have told me that I look like a little girl again.   Young and fresh, happy.  I don’t think they mean I look like a child, but actually something they see inside of me.  I think I understand that when they tell me, because I feel like I did when I was young.  Before the smoking weed, the pills, the drama.  If I could tell one young person something it would be this;You don’t need ANY drug to have fun.  It only gives you a release for a moment and anyone telling you its part of being young, everyone does it, its ok….have fun now before you have to grow up; tell them to take a hike!  Get as far away as you can from them.  Trust your parents.  Believe the stories and experiences they share with you.  Don’t let someone talk you into thinking they’re trying to control you.  Know better….and for God’s sake, trust your gut.

I’m not going to waste time feeling bad about the wasted years.  That’s just more wasted time.  But I will set it to the side as a reminder of what can be.  I know statistically I am not supposed to succeed this time….maybe 5, 10 or 20 more times before I succeed for a long period of time at sobriety.  However, one thing I did learn watching my mom go through what she did is that I don’t have to be a statistic.  I can be sober for the rest of my life and never depend on anything to ease my pain, worry or anxiety.  I can live a life worthy of  the life God intended me to have and that’s where I’m at right now.  I’m not leaning on the programs.  I’m going to use the tools given with an understanding the rest is up to me.

We have plans for the future….me, my mom and dad.  It will be time needed for us to reconnect, but I also think a lot of healing will be had by all three of us, for many different reasons.  I’ve been given a platform to share my story and share it is just what I intend to do.  I head out of jail and to rehab next month.  I will have 93 days sober.  There I will have more of an opportunity to write more frequently for my blog. As the plans for sharing my journey and our family plans unfold, I will keep everyone up to date.

For anyone reading this right now I want to say thank you.  All of your private emails and messages on FaceBook have really given me hope and a purpose. Thank you for taking the time to reach out to me.  Each one of you who have shared your story have inspired me.  Each one of you who have commented on my posts or  reached out to my mom, please know it means everything to me.  I intend to pay it forward.  You can count on that.


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