A bumpy ride…but I’m up for it!

Last week I received the news that someone I know has passed away.  I don’t have the details of his death, but I am pretty sure of how he died.  After getting that phone call, I was approached by a correctional officer and a long story short, my mouth got me removed from the Farm and the Sheriff’s Treatment Program.  I was worried what this would mean for me as far as my time in jail goes.  I went to court on Tuesday and instead of requiring me to get back into STP and making my time in here longer, I was required to finish a work book on recovery and sobriety, that will take me 60 days.  On March 17th I will be released and go straight to my 1 year residential program.

This was definitely a bump in the road.  I could have come unglued, as usual.  But I realize this was my own doing and I still believe everything happens for a reason. I am where I need to be at the moment and it’s going to be okay.  Tomorrow, January 21st 2017, I will have 30 days sober under my belt and that feels good.  I have also received the medical and emotional support I need, while here.  It took them almost 6 weeks to get to me….but I’m on the right road to recovery physically and mentally from the damage I have done.  So, it’s just that….a bump in the road.

General population can be tricky.  Its much easier and more comfortable on the farm (materially speaking).  We have two block glass windows down here that don’t open.  We get outside twice a week for an hour…that’s it.  Sometimes we don’t have hot water and its noisy and smelly.  Interacting with people is different here too.  I can go into my little glass fish bowl I’ve made in my mind and become a Beta fish. Isolated and alone, yet very serene.  When people become unreasonable or I just feel like I can’t deal I can become a Beta fish and everyone just leaves me alone.  Not so on the Farm.  There I have to be an Orca…..people don’t let you retreat and confrontation is always a possibility, yet you have to keep your cool.  So as an Orca or killer whale, I show my colors and that somehow works. I’m respected and in turn I respect others.  I can’t retreat, so I have to stand my ground.  I don’t know why things are different in the two different housing situations.  But I realize I’m going to have to see what works on the outside.  I’ll have to figure out a balance between being a Beta fish and an Orca.  All part of learning to grow.

No matter where I end up doing the rest of my time or if I’m not in STP, but doing this work book, I plan to thrive.  I’m going to make it and I’m going to make it through the next part of my recovery too!  I know this deep in my heart.  I didn’t before.  I was truly convinced I could never live a sober life.  But, somehow I know I can now.    Not for anyone but me.  I can’t imagine going back.  I don’t suggest anyone taking the path I have to get out from under the fist of addiction.  Find a different way than landing yourself in Drug Court and then jail.  But, for me, I think it had to be this way.  Its just a bump in the road and I’m up for it!

Thanks for following along….stay tuned.

 

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